Parashat Eikev - 2024/5784
This past week, I came across something that caught my attention and, to be honest, surprised me. We all know that weddings can be expensive, but now, some couples are charging their guests to attend. Yes, you heard that right—charging guests to attend their wedding! One TikToker shared that they had already spent $200,000 on the wedding and didn’t understand why guests wouldn’t chip in $450 per ‘ticket’ to their nuptials.
I couldn’t help but think of the song by Foreigner, I Want to Know What Love Is. We know the lyrics: I want to know what love is, I want you to show me… Well, apparently, some people will show you— for the low price of $450!
This trend got me thinking about how love and relationships are often viewed in our culture. Love has become just another commodity. We see it in extravagant weddings and on reality TV shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. We see that love has a price on dating apps, which thank God I never had to go through. It’s big business.
I asked Chat GPT about the success rate of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, which have aired for a combined 47 seasons, how many successful marriages have come out of them? Seven. That’s an overall success rate of about 15%.
AI added: “So, while the success rate isn’t very high, there are still some heartwarming success stories!”
But that answer in itself tells us a little bit about ourselves.
We watch love like a spectator sport, measure it in dollars, and swipe through it as if we’re browsing a catalog. In America, love has become a product, something we can buy or sell, something we believe we can solve with the right algorithm. There are more resources at the disposal of almost everyone for finding someone, for a night or a lifetime, and yet, it seems less people are finding that long term ‘love’ they are looking for.
Fewer and fewer people in America are getting married. The number of adults age twenty-five or older who have never married is at an all-time high of one in five, up from one in ten in 1960.
In Judaism, love is looked at differently. Love isn’t a commodity—it’s a lifestyle. Love can’t be bought; it can only be acquired through constant work, shared experiences, and a commitment to building something sacred together.
In this week’s parashah, Eikev we read a great deal about love, and something unique. An interesting phrase appears both at the end of last week’s parsha and at the beginning of this week’s, and these are the only places where it appears in the Torah.
In this week’s parsha, we read the words 'et ha-brit ve-et ha-chessed' (Deut. 7:12).
וְהָיָה עֵקֶב תִּשְׁמְעוּן אֵת הַמִּשְׁפָּטִים הָאֵלֶּה וּשְׁמַרְתֶּם וַעֲשִׂיתֶם אֹתָם וְשָׁמַר יְי אֱ–לֹהֶיךָ לְךָ אֶת־הַבְּרִית וְאֶת־הַחֶסֶד אֲשֶׁר נִשְׁבַּע לַאֲבֹתֶיךָ׃
“If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the Lord your God will keep the brit (covenant) and the chessed (love) with you, as He swore to your ancestors.”
A Christian translation. which follows Christian Theology, the New International Version, translates 'ha-brit veha-chessed' as “covenant of love.”
Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, in the book The Living Torah, translated the phrase as “God your Lord will keep the covenant and love with which He made an oath to your fathers.” Not “covenant of love” but “covenant and love.”
There is a difference between the two.
Using this translation, "covenant and love”, clarifies that they are two separate values that depend upon each other.
In Jewish tradition, the phrase “covenant and love” (brit ve-chessed) is used to highlight both the legal and relational aspects of the relationship between God and the people of Israel. The metaphor often used for our relationship to God is as a married couple.
In Judaism, marriage is understood to embody the concepts of covenant and love, like in the the ketubah ceremony, literally signing an agreement, and fulfilling what you agreed to when you signed the wedding document/ketubah: acts of daily acts of kindness (chessed) that sustain the relationship.
This Sunday evening, we celebrated the Jewish holiday of Tu B’av. It’s a holiday that most Jews are barely aware of but is actually quite profound.
Tu B'Av, the 15th of Av, is described in the Mishnah as one of the most joyous days of the Jewish calendar, alongside Yom Kippur.
Rabban Shimon ben Gamaliel said: There were no days of joy in Israel greater than the fifteenth of Av and Yom Kippur. Section two: On these days the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in borrowed white garments in order not to shame any one who had none. All these garments required immersion. The daughters of Jerusalem come out and dance in the vineyards. What would they say? Young man, lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself. Do not set your eyes on beauty but set your eyes on the family. “Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).
Think about this as a ‘suped-up’ bachelor or reality show challenge. How different would it look on Netflix than it does in the Mishnah?!? In the Mishnah, no one wears their own clothes; rather, they borrow white garments so no one will shamed for not having enough wealth, but also so everyone will be equal, with no fancy colors, no fancy clothes (unless you want to loan it out of course). The whole ceremony encourages the boys to choose their girls not based on their looks or wealth but on their families and piety. The focus was on something much deeper—shared values, connection to family, and commitment to building a future together. (Mishnah Ta'anit 4:8)
What a stark contrast to the world we live in today.
Can you imagine a show called Bachelor six months later? Considering the show's success rate, it probably won’t get ratings.
In Rabbi Shai Held’s recent book, Judaism is About Love, he speaks about Jewish marriage, and how it differs from the spectacles we see on social media. He speaks about the Sheva Berachot, a collection of seven blessings that talk about the creation of the world and ends with a future vision of the redemption of the city of Jerusalem. You might wonder, what are these ideas doing here at a wedding? Why not just thank God for bringing them to this moment and talk about God’s love for us in private? He writes:
“In reciting these blessings at a wedding, we make the bold and dramatic claim that this wedding matters, and matters ultimately. It has a vital role to play in bringing the world closer to redemption. Through the blessings we implicitly declare that the love between these two people has cosmic implications. A wedding is never just a private affair between lovers; it is a sacred coming together that adds more love to the world and thus helps move us closer to the world God envisions…It is easy for couples to forget that their marriage is intended to have broader redemptive impact upon the world. We have all met couples whose love seems totally insular. Having found each other, they live as if there were no reality, no one else who really existed, outside their own little bubble. The narcissism of two is no better than the narcissism of one; the love between married couples is meant to radiate outward. We marry under a canopy (huppah) with no walls, not to be worshipped by others, rather, to be a pass through for passersby, mirroring the tent of Sarah and Abraham. And in the spirit of Abraham, the Talmudic sage Yosi ben Yohanah instructs, “Let your house be wide open,” and, pushing us harder, “Let the poor be members of your household.”
Rabbi Held says marital love is a training ground for the exercise of care in the world because it requires love, faithfulness, and nurturing attentiveness to another person's well-being.
And that work takes more than just a moment; it takes a lifetime, and the chuppah/wedding canopy becomes a home, and the people you welcome in, a part of your lives.
As we reflect on what it means to build a life of covenant and love, I want to challenge each of us to think about how we approach our relationships—whether with a spouse, family member, or friend. What small acts of kindness, the daily commitments, strengthen these relationships and keep the 'covenant' alive?
This week, I invite you to choose one relationship in your life—your spouse, a close friend, someone at shul—and commit to one act of chessed, one act of loving-kindness, that will nurture that connection. Reach out with intention, show that love is not just a feeling but an action, something we cultivate and invest in.
And let’s go further—our Jewish tradition teaches us that love isn’t just about what happens between two people; it radiates outward. Let’s think about how we, as a community, can build a bigger tent, just as Abraham and Sarah did, one that welcomes others in and spreads love to those who need it most. Whether by volunteering, offering support to someone in need, or simply being more present with those around us, let’s make our relationships—and our community—a reflection of the covenant and love that God has bestowed upon us.
Let this week be a reminder that love isn’t something we consume; it’s something we create, day by day, moment by moment. Together, we can bring more love into the world, and in doing so, help move our community and our world one step closer to redemption.
(Here's a picture from our wedding 18 years ago!)
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